Fast Track Your Corporate Career With 5 Easy Woke Steps

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Breezy ways to win comrades and exert your influence in the grand spectacle of corporate camaraderie.

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Vaccine mandates have disappeared faster than a Democrat in a debate. So after languishing in isolation during those murky lockdown years, you’ve finally clinched a job that demands an appearance in the office.

It’s high time to get on the bandwagon of the times and plot a swift ascent to the summit.

Nicolai Foss, a strategy professor at Copenhagen Business School, and Peter Klein, an entrepreneurship and corporate innovation professor at Baylor University, have delved into the woke wilderness of the workplace.

They’ve spotlighted the peculiar dance of middle managers and support personnel, wielding their delegated power and specialist status to indulge in woke internal advocacy, a strategic move that could see them ascend the influence ladder and fortify job security.

Now, should you hop onto the woke carousel and embark on the climb?

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Here are five breezy ways to win comrades and exert your influence in the grand spectacle of corporate camaraderie.

1. Bring Your Lunch to Work

Emerge as the toast of your compatriots by revealing your eco-chic stainless steel lunchbox, boldly flaunting its plastic-free and zero-waste credentials.

Eschew the ordinary and banish the spectre of a “racist bread” sandwich (the common white variety) from your workplace repast.

Instead, effortlessly weave discussions around your recent shingles vaccination, all the while nonchalantly sharing an eccentric recipe for marinated stink bugs.

Unveil your avant-garde culinary creations, be it the mealworm lettuce wrap, ant larvae hors d’oeuvres, or a generous serving of cricket-infused fried rice, all while regaling the assembled with the carbon footprint statistics of your gastronomic endeavours.

Watch as your lunchtime choices leave everyone, perhaps not green with envy, but certainly with an intriguing shade of curiosity (though I must admit, the mere thought of insect delicacies has my stomach juices dancing a lively jig).

Crunchy honeycomb moth larvae in a store of Dutch supermarket chain Jumbo, in Groningen, on Oct. 31, 2014. (REMKO DE WAAL/AFP/Getty Images)
Crunchy honeycomb moth larvae in a store of Dutch supermarket chain Jumbo, in Groningen, on Oct. 31, 2014. (REMKO DE WAAL/AFP/Getty Images)

2. The World of Pronouns

Dive headfirst into the delightful world of pronouns and showcase them with unabashed flair—tuck them into your email signature, wear them proudly on a badge or maybe even emblazon them across your shirt, and let your desk become a pronoun proclamation.

With a splendid array of seven pronoun sets in circulation, make your pick with gusto and be swift to set the record straight for those who misstep in addressing you.

(Make your choice: She/her/hers; He/him/his; They/them/theirs; Ze/hir/hirs; Xe/xem/xyrs; Ver/vir/vis; Te/tem/ter; E/em/eirs)

3. Your Workstation

When it comes to decking out your desk, the options are as great as the satire in an Orwell novel, but a few are simply non-negotiable.

Essential adornments include Palestinian and rainbow mini flags, creating a tumultuous tapestry that refuses to go unnoticed.

Toss in an eclectic assortment of masks, each narrating its own mischievous tale of your escapades.

Consider having some printed with catchy taglines like “Today is Booster Day, Yay,” “Trigger Happy,” or proudly stating, “My pronouns are …”

And don’t forget to exhibit your vaccination certificates (the ones from your childhood—who’s really going to look?) with unapologetic pride, adorned in frames crafted from the dignified embrace of recycled wooden accents.

A transgender flag sits on the grass outside of the U.S. Capitol building in Washington, on May 22, 2023. (Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)
A transgender flag sits on the grass outside of the U.S. Capitol building in Washington, on May 22, 2023. (Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)

4. Workplace Attire

Arrive at the workplace clad in an upcycled ensemble reminiscent of Chairman Mao, featuring a sleek Speed Battle Cut aka North Korean style.

Nonchalantly deposit a box of vibrantly coloured tampons in the men’s restroom, and extend an offer to the boss to assist in a gender-neutral rebranding initiative.

Emphasize the significance of aligning with the Corporate Equality Index (CEI), overseen by the Human Rights Campaign and supported by Soros-funded endeavours.

The CEI, a relatively obscure facet of the burgeoning Environmental, Social, and Corporate Governance (ESG) movement, plays a pivotal role in ethical investing promoted by the nation’s foremost investment firms.

ESG funds prioritize investments in companies that oppose fossil fuels, advocate for unionization, and prioritize racial and gender equity over traditional merit-based criteria in hiring and board selections.

Secure those valuable accolades for your organization, and observe the gratifying glow appear on your boss’s face.

5. The Office Fridge

And to cap off the day, toss a few Bud Lights into the office fridge, exiting with the reassurance that tomorrow’s jaunt up the corporate ladder will bring that stubborn glass ceiling just a smidge closer.

Views expressed in this article are opinions of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Epoch Times.

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